The Falcon's View

Authorities Investigate Con Organizers

Federal authorities opened an investigation Thursday into the local organizers of the "ShmooCon" security conference held in the District each year. Agents suspect the Potters of tampering with, or otherwise compromising, the super-secret government weather machine, causing copious amounts of snow to fall on the DC metro area in conjunction with the annual event.

Authorities first began to suspect a connection between the major snowfalls and ShmooCon in 2010 when a pair of storms bookended the event. Such quantities of snow are not generally considered to be normal for the area, and someone pointed out that "this wasn't the first time" that a major snow had occurred around the time of the event. This week's snowfall, which left hundreds stranded without any way to order a Hoffacino from their local Starbucks, has confirmed investigators' suspicions.

Self-described "security curmudgeon" Jack Daniel (possible alias) commented that "snows like this are more normal on the Cape," referring to his home neighborhood in the Boston, MA, community. When pressed, he acquiesced that if there was a super-secret government weather machine, then it was probably networked and easily hackable. While he did not overtly indicate the Potters, he did relent and admit that ShmooCon and the associated Shmoo Group do have a reputation for being notorious hackers who may be capable of such a feat. He also recommended that maintainers of the alleged super-secret government weather machine should invest in product from his employer, Astaro Internet Security.

When questioned, the Potters decried the allegations as a massive right-wing conspiracy, lamenting "Why won't you feds just leave us alone already?!? Can't you see we have enough problems getting all this schwag to the venue??" Federal agents declined to comment on why the Potters' home was the only one in a 30-mile radius to not be plowed-out after the storm. In fact, some reports suggested that snow was intentionally plowed into their driveway, though this could not be confirmed.

In response to the Potters' counter-allegations, former President George W. Bush chortled and snickered, then referred journalists to consult with "ol' Dicky boy" and "red rover, red rover, send Karl right over." Former veep Cheney was unavailable for comment and rumored to be hold-up in his underground lair counting the money saved by foisting all blame for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill onto BP.

Former Bush advisor Karl Rove did answer calls about the alleged right-wing conspiracy. In response, he suggested that this was, in fact, a left-wing conspiracy perpetrated by environmental extremists and pointed to the "conveniently coincidental timing of Keith Olbermann's departure from MSNBC." Olbermann's location was unknown when this article went to press and thus was unavailable for questioning. Mr. Rove also implied a potential connection to WikiLeaks and Julian Assange while also mumbling something about "advanced persistent threat" and "Obama" under his breath (a connection was not immediately apparent).

At the end of the day, authorities seem convinced of the Shmoo/snow connection and promised to hold the Potters as long as necessary. Charges of obstructing merriment were being considered, along with allegations of domestic terrorism, correlating the impact of the snow storm to a weapon of mass destruction. Formal charges are pending completion of the formal investigation. It's expected that ShmooCon will proceed this weekend as planned, despite the act of nature (or sabotage). However, attendees should be prepared to be subjected to full-scale TSA "naked scanner" assessments. Attendees found to not have their barcodes tattooed to themselves in metallic paint will likely not be admitted.

Hope to see you at ShmooCon! :)